Old Grandfather

Mrs Brown’s old grandfather lived with her and her husband. Every morning he went for a walk in the park and came home at half past twelve for his lunch.

But one morning a police car stopped outside Mrs Brown’s house at twelve o’clock, and two policemen helped Mr Brown to get out. One of them said to Mrs Brown, ‘The poor old gentleman lost his way in the park and telephoned to us for help, so we sent a car to bring him home’. Mrs Brown was very surprised, but she thanked the policemen and they left.

‘But, grandfather’, she then said, ‘you have been to that park nearly everyday for twenty years. How did you lose your way there?’
The old man smiled, closed one eye and said, ‘I didn’t quite lose my way. I just got tired and I didn’t want to walk home!’

I am not a bear

Old Mr. Black loved shooting bears, but his eyes were not good anymore. Several times he nearly shot people instead of bears, so his friends were always very careful when they went out shooting with him.

One day a young friend of his wanted to have a joke, so he got a big piece of white paper and wrote on it in very big letters ‘I AM NOT A BEAR’. The he tied it to his back and went off. His friends saw it and laughed a lot. But it did not save him. After a few minutes Mr Black shot at him and knocked hit hat off.

The young man was frightened and angry. ‘Did not you see this paper?’, he shouted to Mr Black. ‘Yes, I did’, said Mr Black. Then he went nearer, looked carefully at the paper and said, ‘Oh, I am very sorry, I did not see the word NOT,’

Beer is danger

A man always went to the same bar at the same time every day and asked for two glasses of beer. He drank them and then asked for two more.

One day the man behind the bar said to him, ‘Why do you always ask for two glasses of beer? Why don’t you get one big glasses instead?’

The man answered, ‘Because I do not like to drink alone. I drink with my friend.’

But, a few days later the man came in and asked only for one beer.
‘Oh’, said the barman, ‘has your friend died?’
‘Oh, no’, said the man. ‘He is very well. This beer is for him. But I have stopped drinking beer. My doctor doesn’t want me to drink anymore because it is dangerous for me.’

Joke 3

Robby had an old shed. It had no windows, so it was very dark, and it was full of old things.

One day, Robby went into this shed to get a ladder, but slipped on something and fell against a big garden fork. The fork hit him on the head and knocked him down. Then it fell on top of him and hit him hard on the left leg. The ends of the fork then went into his long beard. He thought with the fork fiercely, and at last threw it off him, jumped up and ran out of the shed. He was very angry. He had an old sword under his bad, and he now ran and got this. Then he ran back to the shed, opened the door suddenly and shouted in a terrible voice, ‘All right, come out and fight! You and all the other forks in the world! I am not afraid of you!’

Joke 2

Part 2

Mrs Jones was waiting for an important telephone call, but she had no bread in the house, so she left the baby at home and said to his five-year-old brother, ‘I am going to the shops, Jimmy, and I will be back in a few minutes’.
While she was out, the telephone rang, and Jimmy answered,
‘Hullo’, said a man, ‘is your mother there?’
‘No’, answered Jimmy.
‘Well, when she comes back, say to her that Mr Baker telephoned’
‘What?’
‘Mr Baker. Write it down. B-A-K-E-R.’
‘How do you make a B?’
‘How do I make…? Listen, little boy, is there anybody else with you? Any brothers or sisters?’
‘My brother Billy is here’
‘Good, I want to talk to him, please’
‘All right.’
Jimmy took the telephone to the baby’s bed and give it to Billy. When their mother came back, she asked, ‘Did anyone telephone?’
‘Yes’ said Jimmy, ‘a man, but only wanted to talk to Billy.’

Joke 1

It was two weeks before Christmas, and Mrs Smith was very busy. She bought a lot of Christmas cards to send to her friends and to her husband friends, and put them on the table in the living room. Then, when her husband came home from work, she said to him, ‘here are the Christmas cards for our friends and here are some stamps, a pen and our book of addresses. Will you please write the cards while I am cooking the dinner?’
Mr Smith did not say anything, but walked out of the living room and went to his study. Mrs Smith was very angry with him, but did not say anything either.

Then a minute later, he came back with a box full of Christmas cards. All of them had addresses and stamps on them. Then he said ‘these are from last year, I forgot to post them’